I get knocked down, but I get up again
I went back to the gym this morning after about a 9 week slump. I've already been through the entire self-hatred cycle about that so I'm not going to even bother picking that apart in this entry. Need to look forward, only forward.
I will say, however, that I see a fine line between finding momentum and getting frantic about exercise, and I was getting a bit frantic, methinks. Whatever the reasons (over-ambition, self-defeating patterns, perfectionism, simple laziness), I stopped exercising, and man, did I feel it. Anxiety and inertia crept in like mold and I started to feel immobilized and raw.
Sometimes it takes my anxiety and depression to grow intrusive enough to make my skin actually hurt before I listen to it. When it gets like that, my thoughts ring loudly in my head like bad electric guitar feedback, distorting my perceptions and taking up way too much bandwidth. I can't concentrate. I feel hollow. It takes me to darker places, and with the summer just around the corner, it's that much more conspicuous.
But no beating myself up about it. Back to the gym I went for the pure medicine of it.
Happily, I found today that I have not gained any weight, and in fact, am at the exact same weight that I was 9 weeks ago when I last went to the gym.
I'm aiming to lose 10% of my total weight by fall (just to give myself some parameters). My plan is to break up exercise throughout the day to keep the happy chemicals level in the morning, afternoon, and after dinner, and beyond that, it's all about being flexible, mobile, and a bit more energetic. I'm willing to give a little bit of energy to see where that kind of kickstart will take me over the next year. Not gung-ho, not all about the resolution -- just about the momentum, for now.
I will say, however, that I see a fine line between finding momentum and getting frantic about exercise, and I was getting a bit frantic, methinks. Whatever the reasons (over-ambition, self-defeating patterns, perfectionism, simple laziness), I stopped exercising, and man, did I feel it. Anxiety and inertia crept in like mold and I started to feel immobilized and raw.
Sometimes it takes my anxiety and depression to grow intrusive enough to make my skin actually hurt before I listen to it. When it gets like that, my thoughts ring loudly in my head like bad electric guitar feedback, distorting my perceptions and taking up way too much bandwidth. I can't concentrate. I feel hollow. It takes me to darker places, and with the summer just around the corner, it's that much more conspicuous.
But no beating myself up about it. Back to the gym I went for the pure medicine of it.
Happily, I found today that I have not gained any weight, and in fact, am at the exact same weight that I was 9 weeks ago when I last went to the gym.
I'm aiming to lose 10% of my total weight by fall (just to give myself some parameters). My plan is to break up exercise throughout the day to keep the happy chemicals level in the morning, afternoon, and after dinner, and beyond that, it's all about being flexible, mobile, and a bit more energetic. I'm willing to give a little bit of energy to see where that kind of kickstart will take me over the next year. Not gung-ho, not all about the resolution -- just about the momentum, for now.
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