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Sunday, February 17, 2013

Sometimes Momentum Has to be Manufactured

Sometimes creating one's own momentum is the only way to start working one's way out of a depressive episode. Yup—I've been depressed. Like, actually depressed. As someone who has been clinically depressed for pretty much the entirety of my life, it's too easy to see depression as the normal way to live. It's easy to forget what it feels like to just feel centered and balanced and just okay. Not exhilarated. Not over the moon ecstatic. Just...okay. In general. Without feeling like everyday life is rubbing my nerves raw in a persistent, insidious way, making everything gray and achey and foggy and sluggish and difficult and muddled. 

Granted, this hasn't been a great winter. Between being *really* sick in November, and the lack of light and the "goings-on" in January—experiencing the illness, hospitalization and death of my grandmother, I've totally lost my stride.

And it's been dawning on me: I see the signs: 

—I've barely been able to drag myself out of bed before noon for weeks.

—Sometimes I don't go outside for days on end.

—The things I usually enjoy I don't. I feel like I'm withdrawing from friends and loved ones. 


—Sudden outbursts of anger (natural part of the grieving process, but still).

—Worrying, worrying, worrying.

Anyway. This note is just a placeholder and an acknowledgement. Part of an ongoing conversation.

Being candid and conversational about the stuff of life is pretty much my policy all across the board.  

Friday, February 01, 2013

'Wee Hours

Well...asleep by 10:45 p.m., awake at 4:30 a.m. after hours of vivid melatonin dreams. I may just get up and *stay* up now and see if I can actually keep reasonable hours. There's much I want to do, and losing the day to catch up on sleep always leaves me feeling rather defeated.