A Palimpsest of Soul and Skin

It just hit me: in the last year—if not longer—I'd have a daily sense of anticipation and anxiety that I'd receive a phone call from my mom saying that something had happened to Granny—that she'd taken sick or died. I carried that fear around for a long time. In fact, I think I've carried that fear around for decades. It became a habitual thing, that anticipatory grief. I just had that old sensation once again, like feeling around for a tooth that I used to wiggle, but finding only space. It's very disorienting. Anticipatory grief has done me no good; I certainly don't feel more prepared for this loss, and it only stretched out the sadness over the years.

Today, I went and did it, something I have been afraid of: Giving blood. There was a blood drive in my office building again today, and without thinking about it too much, I made an appointment and went in. The volunteers and staff were incredibly affirming and welcoming, and I got a shiny new donor pin! Aw, look at it there, all shiny on my lapel! Warren, who was working at Chapters a few blocks away, came over to meet me. Because he is The Man he held my hand while they drained me of my lifeblood, and he was extravagantly attentive and supportive throughout. We had lunch after and each went our separate ways for the rest of the afternoon. I'm really looking forward to being home with him in a few hours.I feel only the slightest bit woozy, and just a little bit proud of myself. And I feel very smug about my precious blood type - being O negative and all. ;-) Special Renée is Special - in more ways than one. It was also nice to know that my iron levels and blood pressure are...