A Palimpsest of Soul and Skin

As a woman of size—a middle-aged woman of size, no less—I often struggle with being marginalized, being seen (or, more accurately, unseen) as invisible, viewed with discrimination, even. And sometimes it hurts. But here's what I know right now: I'm the size I am, right here, right now, because of many physical and emotional factors over the years. My weight tells a story, if to nobody else but me. So instead of judging and berating myself for those factors, I'm listening to and nurturing myself. I'm learning the difference between desperately wanting and trying to lose weight for the sake of my health and wellbeing and understanding how my physical self is a reflection of my inner, emotional self.  There are many personal reasons (too many to describe here) why my current physical self manifests as it does but thankfully I have connected with mentors and a supportive network who show me daily how to sink into my strength for emotional and physical healing. What tha...

Sometimes creating one's own momentum is the only way to start working one's way out of a depressive episode. Yup—I've been depressed. Like, actually depressed. As someone who has been clinically depressed for pretty much the entirety of my life, it's too easy to see depression as the normal way to live. It's easy to forget what it feels like to just feel centered and balanced and just okay. Not exhilarated. Not over the moon ecstatic. Just...okay. In general. Without feeling like everyday life is rubbing my nerves raw in a persistent, insidious way, making everything gray and achey and foggy and sluggish and difficult and muddled.  Granted, this hasn't been a great winter. Between being *really* sick in November, and the lack of light and the "goings-on" in January—experiencing the illness, hospitalization and death of my grandmother, I've totally lost my stride. And it's been dawning on me: I see the signs:  —I've barely b...

Well...asleep by 10:45 p.m., awake at 4:30 a.m. after hours of vivid melatonin dreams. I may just get up and *stay* up now and see if I can actually keep reasonable hours. There's much I want to do, and losing the day to catch up on sleep always leaves me feeling rather defeated.